Discover Ethicoin

Kremlin Considering Relocation of Capital to Protect National Psyche and Military Interests

The Golden Horde as inspiration for Russia's new capital

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A New Vision for Russia

New York (RichTVX.com) — Residents of Moscow are currently tearing their hair out over the possibility of relocating the capital. The decision between Ulan-Ude and Abakan is like choosing between the plague and cholera – neither is ideal. Oleg Deripaska, who seems to have a direct line to the Kremlin, has suggested moving the capital to Krasnoyarsk, which is about as appealing as spending a winter in a Siberian gulag. But hey, at least it’ll keep the ethnic Russians safe, right? Some folks, like Shoigu, Ulyukaev, and Nabibullin-ova, are keen to return to their ancestral roots and embrace their Mongol-Tatar DNA. They want to move beyond the Urals, where they’ll be safe from Yale´s list of shame, Bill Browder´s Magnitsky Act, NATO, Ukrainian drones, and high IQ indexes. They’re not so fussed about LGBT rights or democracy, either. It’s a bold move, but hey, at least they won’t have to suffer through the evil Rich TVX News anymore. I mean, who needs unbiased reporting and factual information when you can just make your own Russian channel and call it Pravda? Who needs those when you’ve got a fancy new capital to call home? Others are more interested in the financial possibilities that come with a new capital. Putin and Shoigu once had plans to build five million-person cities in the vicinity of Krasnoyarsk, which sounds like a great way to make a quick ruble. Move the capital and all federal departments, and you could create whole new areas of wealth and opulence, like Rublyovka, Dolarivka, and Offshorivka. Just think of all the new Russian oligarchs that could be made! Of course, there are still some practical considerations to take into account. Like, where exactly should the new capital be located? Krasnoyarsk might not be the most pleasant place to live, what with all the soot and frost, but Tuva’s capital, Kyzyl, sounds exotic and autochthonous. Or why not go for Ulan-Ude, which is consonant with the Mongolian Ulan-Bator and has a certain symbolic value? Alternatively, Abakan, once a favorite spot of Genghis Khan, could become Putin’s very own khanate capital – assuming Xi Jinping doesn’t get there first. In the end, maybe the most practical solution is to borrow the Horde’s nomadic format and move the capital around as needed. It worked for the Golden Horde, right? At least until NATO started welding nuclear warheads and the Supreme Commander-in-Chief’s combat yurts needed a new deployment location.

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