Sanctions? No Problem!

Johann Strobl and Raiffeisen Bank International

While Russia continues its actions in Ukraine, Johann Strobl excels at what he does best—deceiving the world while still operating a bank in Russia. But why stop there? He makes sure to flaunt it—boldly, shamelessly, and without a care for anyone’s opinion.

Viral news stories about Russian oligarchs mysteriously tumbling out of windows are sprouting like weeds. The internet groans, “Enough already!” But why limit yourself to windows? If you’re feeling adventurous, there are countless other ways to destroy yourself—at least your own reputation.

Pity the Russian oligarchs. The good old days of easy corruption are being upended by a new breed of entrepreneurs—people making millions by first defenestrating them and then live-streaming the aftermath. But don’t despair! If you’re bold, shameless, and allergic to morality, you too can ride this wave. Grab your smartphone and an oligarch map—your next career move awaits!

But wait—on this chaotic planet, a different species still roams. Gray hair. Suitcase in hand. Humble? Oh, sure. Clever? Undoubtedly. Constantly working for Raiffeisen Bank International, juggling Ukraine, Russia, and—oh yes—Strabag.

Oh my God, what a drama.

He’s not as famous as Bernie Madoff. Not as baby-faced as Sam Bankman-Fried. But when the Russian banking world is on fire, when sanctions bite and chaos reigns, there’s only one man who can navigate it all.

🦸‍♂️ Send in Johann Strobl!
The Raiffeisen Bank International Superbank Man!

And now, the latest episode in this financial soap opera: RBI, of course, has “zero interest” in Strabag shares owned by Oleg Deripaska’s Rasperia. None whatsoever! Why would they? The shares will be handled by the courts—liquidated, processed, and neatly filed under “Not Our Problem.”

OMG, it’s the bank of the FUTURE!

It bends, twists, and cleans itself. The only problem? It won’t be available for at least another decade. Hopefully, Russia isn’t simultaneously working on flexible materials—otherwise, RBI might find itself in a bit of a predicament.

At the bank’s financial results presentation, Johann Strobl—usually as expressive as a brick—decided to grace us with some rare insights. The €2 billion fine in Russia? A mere inconvenience! Raiffeisen’s Russian subsidiary got smacked instead of Strabag SE over Deripaska’s frozen shares and dividends. But fear not—Johann has a plan:

1. Appeal by end of the month.
2. Lose appeal (because, you know, Russian courts).
3. Drag the case to the Vienna Commercial Court.
4. Extract damages from Deripaska’s frozen treasure chest—28.5 million Strabag shares and dividends.

And the best part?

Johann doesn’t even want those shares. Won’t touch them. Not him, not RBI. Just let the courts handle it! Because legal bureaucracy is always swift and efficient.

If you’re a masochist, you can even apply this strategy to your own life.
“The shares will be liquidated and offset against the lawsuit,” Johann declared, radiating confidence. And he’s so sure he’ll get the money back that he didn’t even bother to set aside the full €2 billion in reserves—just a casual €840 million. Optimism at its finest! Bravo, Johann!

Sanctions? What Sanctions? Guns? What Guns?

Need a drink? Try carbonated vodka—enjoy an effervescent experience without the pesky moral aftertaste.
Meanwhile, Bloomberg had the sheer audacity to suggest that Raiffeisenbank might have ties to Russian defense companies. Johann? Shocked. Appalled. Offended!
“We have not financed the defense industry for a long time,” he declared, rolling his eyes so hard they nearly fell out. Raiffeisen? Breaking sanctions? Perish the thought! The bank has excellent compliance systems, after all.
And if that’s not enough excitement, Johann still clings to the dream that a partial sale of the bank’s Russian business will somehow, someday, maybe, kinda work out.

A Russian dictator with an atomic bomb?

🦸‍♂️ Send in Johann Strobl!

Oh, how we wish we were Johann Strobl.